11 Ways To Heal After A Traumatic Breakup

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The healing process after a bad breakup can be a long and winding journey. Healing won't happen overnight and the road to recovery can be long but that doesn't mean it has to be painful. It will take time to return to a state of your former self and you won't, in fact, return to the person you were before, for you've undergone great hardship and hurt that you will heal and come back stronger than before. If you can get through this, you can get through anything.

Healing is what your mind and soul needs after a breakup, for it's been broken and damaged to a point where it needs rest to recover and mend. Common feelings after a breakup include emptiness, feelings of worthlessness, rejection, depression, anxiety, and regret. You will go through periods of feeling ok and able to continue with life and suddenly it will all hit you and you'll feel unable to cope. These feelings come in waves and that is part of the healing process.

1. Grieve

Understand and accept your circumstances and give yourself time to grieve the loss of the person in your life. Even if getting out of the relationship was a blessing and your ex was having a negative effect on your life, you will still feel a great sense of loss because you were so attached to that person. Let yourself mourn and come to terms with the loss of companionship. Grieving is the first step in healing after heartbreak.

2. Talk about it

The best way to work through difficult feelings is to speak openly about how you're feeling to family members, friends or a counselor. Call your parents and have a long talk about what you're going through and be very honest about the things you're dealing with. Speak about the good parts, the bad parts, what really happened and went wrong and how you'll move forward from this. If you have even one or two understanding friends who you can open up to, meet them and get their advice and speak to them about the breakup. 

Most of your friends will probably have been through a bad break up themselves and will be able to give tips on how they dealt with getting over it. If you have no one to talk to, contact a counselor who can listen to your problems and offer advice on how to heal from this relationship ending. Counselling is an extremely effective and normal way to get over a breakup.

3. Understand the reasons why it ended

The shock of a sudden breakup can be overwhelming and unbearable at times. We often beat ourselves up and blame ourselves for the relationship going wrong and in the weeks after the breakup, you'll find yourself going over everything you could have done better to save it. The reality is, the relationship couldn't be saved and it needed to end. Do not blame yourself for it ending, it was not your fault. Both people need to be happy for a relationship to work and ask yourself deep down, were you really happy? 

Think of the pros and cons of the relationship. Think of what your ex-partner did that may have contributed to it ending and think about all the little things that added up to reach the point of a breakup. It's not on you, it's not your fault and this is no indication that you're not worthy enough of a relationship.

4. Accept that it's over

After a break up it's natural to hold out hope that the other person may get back in touch and reach out to you to reconnect. It's better to end all contact completely because even if they do reach out to say hello or see if you're ok, it's giving you false hope that they may want to get back together or still want you in their life, when really, they're probably just a bit lonely and seeing if they can keep you there as an option. Staying friends is possible after a breakup but you have to be very clear that the romantic side of the relationship is over and that they could well be moving on to someone else, so don't hold yourself back by waiting for them when they're probably not waiting for you.

5. Dealing with feelings of rejection

When someone breaks up with you, it's natural to have intense feelings of rejection and it hurts so much to have someone you love tell you they don't want to be with you anymore. We feel not good enough, not fun or pretty enough and a whole other list of things that are 'not enough.' One of the most important ways to heal from a breakup is to realise that you are enough. You are enough for anyone, but your ex just simply didn't connect with you on a level they wanted. 

We constantly ask ourselves 'Why?' after a breakup; why did they do this, how could they do this, why did they not want to be with me? You must realise that they were not the right person for you and the person you're meant to be with will make you feel so special and loved and won't make you question your self-worth. During the healing process, you will get your confidence back and raise your self-esteem. You don't need him or her in your life and you'll soon realise that being pushed out of his was the best thing to ever happen to you.

6. Start planning your future immediately

Your life has probably turned upside down and the plans you had with your partner have now vanished. Maybe you'd planned to go traveling together or booked a holiday, or you'd made plans with friends for the near future. The shock of not having any of those plans anymore can be very hard to deal with and it can be hard to accept that those plans are no more. The only way to move forward is to replace those plans with plans of your own and start filling up your calendar with things you've always wanted to do. Did you want to go travelling by yourself but kept putting it off? Did you want to change careers but stayed in a job you hated for the convenience of being in the relationship? 

Replan your life immediately and start planning your next steps right now. This will keep you busy and stop you thinking about what should have happened with your ex and rather about what you're going to do moving forward.

7. Remove visual reminders of them

You might want to hold on to pictures or mementos of your ex in the hope they may come back and you might rekindle something but by doing this you're only holding on to a false hope that the relationship may come back together. Your ex does not want to be with you and so you shouldn't hold out hope for them, as hard as it may be. Get rid of anything that reminds you of things you did together. Delete any pictures you have of the two of you if it's too painful; throw out any little gifts or keepsakes from dates. Having a clear out will help you to move on to the next stage of your life without your ex.

8. Don't wait for them to get back in touch

Sometimes after a relationship breakup, you might be waiting for them to reach out and tell you they regret their decision and want to see you again. Realistically if they do reach out, they're probably just lonely and want to keep you as an option. Most times they might just want to get involved with you sexually again and don't miss you as a person. Don't wait to move on with your life for someone who's already left it. The relationship ended for a reason and you have to remember they will move on with someone else once they've stopped grieving too. Don't wait for someone who wouldn't wait for you.

9. Read affirmations

Sometimes all you need to rewire your thinking are some positive affirmations. Some of my favourite affirmations to heal after a breakup are: 'Sometimes things need to fall apart for better things to fall together.' 'What's meant for you won't pass you.' 'You are exactly where you're meant to be at this moment.’

10. Rebuild your self esteem

Your self-confidence can take a huge blow after a break up and someone telling us they don't want to be with us can hugely impact our self-esteem. You have to realise that the problem was not with you but lies with them and if your ex-partner has said anything to lower your self esteem you must understand that it is their own insecurities that they have projected on to you. You are amazing, strong and confident and you can do anything you want and be anything you wish to be. Building your self esteem back up can take time but being independent and doing things by yourself without your ex will improve your confidence so much.

11. Focus your time and energy on things that make you happy

Staying busy after a breakup is extremely important to make sure your mind doesn't wander to an unhappy place. Put your time into hobbies that you maybe stopped doing because you were in the relationship and focus your energy on things that make you happy. You can also start a new hobby to take your mind off of the breakup, like taking up an instrument, learning to cook, enrolling in a part-time class, going to yoga, working out more or anything that will keep you busy and release happy endorphins. Keep a good routine and get up early and get enough sleep. Care for yourself and work on you.

These are my 11 best tips on how to move on from your ex after a breakup and be happy again. 

Read: How to deal with being ghosted by your ex

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  1. If I could travel back in time or send something back in time, exactly a year ago. I would recommend crying Mari this post! I bet her healing rate would have been so much faster! Thanks for sharing

    Mari xx


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